The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
