I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
