My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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