I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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