why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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