i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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