I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
dude i'm inner monologue high
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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