When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
