all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
