Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You smell like stripper and shame
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
