I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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