So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
