You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
