Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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