Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
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