so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.