drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
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she peed on how many people?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
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Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.