just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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