I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
