all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
