The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
