you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
