Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
