I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
