You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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