she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
