do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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