It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
