Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
