you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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