i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
