Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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