whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
