I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
