Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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