You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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