My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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