So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
