2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize