The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
