How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
