i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
