At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
All I want is dick and wine.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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