I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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