just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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