I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
