the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
