I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
