i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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