So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
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I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
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Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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