smell my finger.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
