he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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