went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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