Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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