clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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