are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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