You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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